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Where I'm Planted Now

I have struggled with depression at certain times in my life. For me, it seems to peak when bigger changes occur.

We just made a huge move, back to the city where we once lived. When we moved from that city, to the more rural area we've lived in for twenty-eight years, I found myself in a rather serious state. I sought counselling at that time. Normally I'm not so quickly a quitter but by the end of our third session I suspected my counsellor might have more problems than I. In fact, from what she shared, I realized how blessed I really was. In that way she succeeded in helping me a lot. This seems humorous to me now but it certainly wasn't then.

Nothing very quickly changed for me after that, but with more of a thankful attitude (often still lacking, but I tried), much prayer, time and some wonderful new friendships, I grew to love the place I have just left.

That brings us to today. Ah ... today. How quickly, or not so quickly (it has been almost three decades), I have forgotten.

Although my husband and I prayed about it, and decided that God wanted us back here, I've been less than jovial during this move.

As I sit and write, I realize my current sadness isn't really about the career I still miss, or about swapping our large living quarters with a comparatively itty-bitty-living-space. It's not even the fact that we were told, immediately upon arrival at our new apartment-style condo, of a "pot" problem in the building and a fairly recent fire in the underground parkade. Even the shooting that happened just in front of the next building, isn't the biggest cause for my concern. (Wait! What was that?! Perhaps I'm numb from shock).

Although those things could threaten to send me to an asylum (if those were still a thing), or at least back to counselling, I know that's really not where this feeling of despair comes from.

Rather, it comes from the loss of relationships. Good friendships and deep bonds are not grown over night and to leave so many behind hurts my heart.

Some of you might be thinking -- "You're not moving to another country. Stop complaining" -- but I know from experience that geography makes a difference, even if it's only three hours away.

Intellectually, I know that the friendships that count will last, no matter time or place, but I even miss "bumping into" a friend or acquaintance in a local store and catching up on their life in a few short moments. Now, it's all about feeling like a stranger, everywhere I go, and it will be that way for awhile.

I expect I will form new bonds but I wonder, at this age, if that comes more easily or if it's more work?

As I've sat here, pondering what feels like my very displaced life, a thought just struck me that's made me smile.

The place I almost loathed, twenty eight years ago, is the place I'd run back to now.

Perhaps, someday, it will be so with where I'm planted now.

NOTE: If you're feeling sad or depressed about changes in your own life, I'd like to pray for you. Feel free to leave a comment at the end of this blog, or write me a note by pressing "Contact"at the top.

You're NOT alone. Seriously ... I've been there, as many others have too.

And please remember: we have a great and wonderful God who loves us very much, and as well as giving us His Son, He has given us each other for help along the way.

Pattie Janzen

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